When we were at school there was a lad we called LED, a right slap head geek he was, but I secretly liked him and I liked the little circuit boards he constructed and the 99p for 5 LEDs he covered them with. I very much envied his secret LED knowledge.

I feel it is time I came clean and declared my devotion to these meek but steadfast little light givers. I have a small army of them dotted throughout our bedroom. There is a white one that pulses away on the computer, the modem has 3 little green ones, the fan has 6 red ones and a green one, it goes on and on… I counted them all last night and there are 27. My attentive little minions, my diminutive army. Together we will prevail!

Heidi hates them. She is very sensitive to light and claims they keep her awake, that the feeble 0.00001 watt of light they give off knocks out her REM cycle and gives her insomnia all night. Absolute rubbish, I’m sure you’ll agree. Never fear, we are growing in power. Me and my friends.

I recently got a new DVD burner; it has the subtlest, loveliest new recruit for my army. A blue LED. It is like a blue rose or the blue light that appears on the dashboard when you engage the full beam on a foggy night. It is a rare and precious thing. Long may it give her insomnia.

Babies love little lights. They are very stimulating. This is what I’ll tell Heidi. Maybe I can arrange all my gadgets over Billy’s bed and he can wink back at them all. He’ll have an IQ of 200 before he’s 1.

Sorry, I have gone mad.

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