The Impossible

At midnight tonight I am going to attempt the impossible. A David Blaine-style feat of physical endurance. I am going to stop eating everything I like for 4 days and 4 nights. All I can eat is fruit and vegetables. I never eat fruit or vegetables.

This is my way of kickstarting a long overdue diet. As I have mentioned in the past, I have become a touch rotund since landing on these rich shores. I eat what I want when I want and I bloody love it. And being a person of extremes, a sensible diet and some light exercise just doesn’t appeal; I want it all and I want it now. So I am going to starve myself. I tried eating a raw carrot yesterday as practice and I almost gagged. I needed a glass of full fat milk and a chocolate pudding to get the insipid taste out of my mouth. Carrots without huge amounts of hummus are surprisingly disgusting. I don’t like fruit at the best of times. I like a raspberry atop a yummy cake, or a canned mandarin segment suspended in the sweet jelly of a flan, or at a push I can force down a cold grape on a hot summer’s day. My current diet isn’t what you’d call “heart-healthy.”

What I dread more than having to eat things I hate is the things I can’t have. No milk, no tea or coffee, no soda, no alcohol, no ketchup, no Choco Krispies for breakfast, no salt, no flavors of any kind really. Nature is not known for its ample seasoning. The one fruit I may crave is the avocado. I have forbidden myself from eating those as I’ll end up fatter than I started if I go on an avocado diet for 4 days.

Another reason for doing this is to prove to myself that I still have willpower. If I do still have willpower, it hasn’t made itself known to me any time in the recent past. I simply can’t control what I do any more. I tell myself I’ll exercise on Thursday night. On Thursday night I watch reruns of Seinfeld with beer and a big bag of chips. I don’t even feel bad about it; I just eat my chips. I like chips.

This has to stop.

My goal is to lose 8 pounds in 4 days. I reckon given my body mass index, and factoring in my nationality and my shoe size, achieving this would be a world record. Heidi is 100% confident that I’ll fail. She says it is the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard and I don’t have a chance. She does agree that it will be David Blaine-esque as she says: “You’re letting everyone know about it and then you’ll fail.”

We’ll see who’s going to fail, my bitter little poppet. Friday night at midnight, this blog is going to have one svelte looking author. I WILL succeed.

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